The Chronicles of China – The Wife, The Hookers and The Vomit – Part 1

What if someone told you that you can make $20,000 dollars for taking a two week vacation on the other side of the planet? Yeah, me too.

Years ago, I was approached by an employee of mine who proposed a very enticing offer – go to China, marry a chinese woman so she can can move to the states and get paid $20,000 for your troubles. “Shit” I thought, “How many can I marry at one time?” Excited, I said yes. Though, I have to admit, I was incredibly skeptical. I mean, this is TV or Movie shit. This is a Farley Brothers film plot, but fuck it.

About a week later I got a call from an extremely asian sounding Gentleman we will call…Nick. Nick explained who he was (the supposed organizer of such affairs as fraudulent transcontinental marriages) and asked if I could meet him at a Starbucks to discuss details. It was about this time when I felt my first “oh shit” moment. We met, we talked, we left. Our discussion amounted to an explanation of the process, what was required of me and a suggestion that I take a few days to think about it. To be honest, my clamy palms resting on the steering wheel of my car in the parking lot of Starbucks quickly dried after a few minutes speaking to Nick – he was so nice and disarming. And, he had a great pitch: Memorize everything we tell you, fly to China, get married and receive $20,000 cash when I get back. Im. In. I called him that very night and told him that it was on.

The whole process was incredibly organized – I received a fact sheet about my future wife that included EVERYTHING about her that I was to memorize, a cell phone and email address to communicate with her (so that we could have printable documentation detailing the “love” we felt for one another) and stacks of forms to fill out. It was like a visit to the tag agency or the DMV, only less black people.

Forms were filled out, calls and emails were made and it was time. Months after this process began I was beckoned to Starbucks again. I met with Nick and the friend that referred me to him. I was handed a plane ticket to Fuhzou, China. It was happening. I was to travel there accompanied by Nick. He was my handler. We left from Miami to Chicago, then from Chicago to Beijing and then from Beijing to Fuhzou. The most grueling part of this journey to China was the flight from Beijing to Fuhzou because the Air China planes are made for tiny asian people so I had to remain contorted in such a way as to fit in the seat I was assigned.

I arrived in Fuhzou after 28 hours of travel. Nick and I were met by two stereotypical asian men in black suits, obviously associated with their local mafia (cue my second “oh shit” moment). We were escorted to a limo and brought to a hotel in the heart of the city. It was my first opportunity for some real sleep in over a day so I took advantage of it. I slept in that bed for almost 16 hours.

When I awoke from my slumber, one of the asian mafia guys was also in the bed (we weren’t cuddling or anything) in just his underwear – apparently that is a thing over there. I wasn’t too disturbed; I have been found in more compromising positions before. I was urged to get dressed quickly in a suit they had custom tailored for me. It was explained to me that we will be going to the wedding ceremony/party so that pictures of the event can be taken and presented if asked. My heart was pounding. I knew so much about this woman, emailed her and called her every day and here I was about to marry her and we have never seen each other face to face. “We go now” exclaimed my bedmate. It was on…we were off.


Fienbaumbergsteins 2013 Fellatio World Cup

The conversations I have with others over Google Hang-outs are definitely commercial-worthy but most subscriber services that would be able to air one don’t have commercials. Oh well.

Recently, I was engaged in a video chat with a friend back in the states about girlfriends-past and who sucked dick the best (we were effortlessly able to find common ground seeing as he and I shared a lot of the same sexual partners). However, race – in relation to skill level, quickly overran the subject matter.

Varying opinions on this topic exist and variables such as physical stature (for example, fat chicks) were not taken into consideration in the rankings. The standings below are simply our judgement on experience as it pertains to ethnicity.


Now…without further adieu – THE FIENBAUMBERGSTEIN 2013 FELLATIO WORLD CUP!


#7 Africanus Americanus

ratchett hoes


Surprising, yes. This vivacious creature starts our list off at the bottom. With naturally plump lips and large mouths, one would think they would creep a little closer to the top – nope. I’m certain their position at #7 has largely to do with technique rather than their anatomy. As far as their technique is concerned, everything they do is a bit much. The over exaggerated slurping sounds, the violent twisting movements of their head and a personal grievance of mine – not swallowing, all leads to the eventual “I think I’m just gonna fuck you now” moment poor performance always leads too. One of the biggest problems, though, is the unnecessary over-lubrication. They try and get your dick wetter than a slide at a water park. This is counter productive. Most cocks, unless wired differently, require a certain degree of friction to stimulate and maintain arousal. Excessive salivating and spitting removes some of this friction and you are left with the feeling of face fucking a glass of water.


#6 Middle Eastern



As the Quran says – “Only those who are patient shall receive their reward in full, without reckoning.”  Reward – meaning a mouth full of my homemade pleasure-sauce – is something these women will never get from me. They are sooooo slow and pay way to much attention to the action. Their eyes are always focused on the dick and the meticulous movements and position of their hands suggests that they are reading from some kind of instruction manual written on the base of your cock. My dick isn’t a newborn that needs to be gently rocked to sleep; slap it, chew on it…DO SOMETHING! Anyway props to you ladies, regardless, for finishing ahead of the blacks. But seriously, put your holy book in a drawer and pull up a porn site or two so you can enter into the 21st century of cock-sucking.


#5 Asians 



Ahh, yes – a picture both relevant and SFW. Now, my experience with Asian women extends as far as my visit to China a while back. This doesn’t really make me an expert. Though, with a sample size of more than one Asian woman filed away and plenty of experiences to compare them too, I shall do so in the most objective manner possible. First of all, their teeth. They are not straight at all; most of them anyway. And, before you assume that this is a problem, divorce yourself from that assumption. I love imperfect teeth. Fuck straight smiles. I don’t know why, its just something that I enjoy in a woman. And, it pains me to see them so far away from the top spot because of that. Their soft, slim physique is fantastic for the hands on experience while being the recipient of fellatio, but their petite frames and build leave a lot to be desired. They have the gag reflex and mouth clearance of a fresh water trout (no, I have not face fucked any of those) – which is great for their male counterparts, but not useful for non-asian men. What that leads to is an unacceptable number of instances of stoppage. Taking a constant break for air when my nuts aren’t even resting on your chin yet, is no way to make the dick happy. And, their houses smell weird.


#4 Caucasian 

Closeup portrait of a happy young woman smiling isolated on white background


There they are – sat right in the middle. Average. Simple. Like a cheese pizza. There really isn’t anything bad about a white girl blowjob, except for the fact that its painfully vanilla. Don’t get me wrong, some white girls give great head, but there are just as many that don’t and this is based on an average of overall experience. Despite the fact that a white woman is responsible for one of only two orgasm-from-head experiences that I have had, I have to chalk it up to the fact that she was a turbo slut with years of practice involving hands-(and mouth)on experience. Overall, the best case scenario with a white woman sucking your dick is that of the role of a fluffer; the porn industries answer to keeping men erect off camera so the female lead can give their tender mouth much needed rest.

#3 Latina – Cuban



Yes, I could have found a better picture representing the beauty of Cuban women, but holy shit…that’s awesome. I am convinced that all Cuban women, inherently, are handed down through their genes the ability to consistently suck good dick. As a fan of the Latin ethnicity in general as it pertains to sex overall, of the many oral encounters I have had with Cuban women, I have never had a bad or average experience with fellatio. But, I have never had a knock-your-socks-off moment either. For me, despite the incredible consistency in skill level you could hope to expect, my pleasure in getting head from a Cuban chick is in the chance to play with their fat bubble-butts during the session. Soft, meaty and bouncy, it provides hours of amusement.

#2 Euro-Latin – Spain



So exciting. The Top Two! So, my last two girlfriends or long-term sexual partners or whatever the fuck you want to call them were Spain(ish) – not quite sure what they are called. These women embody the trifecta of great head – skill, submission and sexuality. Their skill is toe-curling, they let you treat their body like some kind of fuck toy and their physical appearance oozes sexuality. They suck dick like you have front row seats to their performance. Their seductive eye contact throughout makes for the perfect combination of mental and physical stimulation. Bravo, ladies.

#1 Latina – Puerto Rican



Congratulations, ladies. Wear this title proud. To be honest I’ve found that Puerto Rican women offer an almost identical experience to Cuban women – though with a slight increase in technical skill. So, why are they number one? Well, its simple. Sucking dick, for a lot of women, is somewhat of a chore. Its the prerequisite to the endgame – sex. It is also an “I do for you, you do for me” situation that, at best, they just accept as a payment for reciprocation. This is were Puerto Rican women differ. It’s the same with everyone of them I have been with. They have a deep, burning desire to always suck cock. Driving, movie theater, gas station fill ups, late night romantic walks, dinner at Applebees, etc. There exists a sort of gravitational pull between their mouth and my dick. Now, I should be honest and mention something that my friend tipped me off too that may appear to lead to bias – my first sexual encounter ever was a puerto rican girl giving me head at a sneak peek premier of Apollo 13 (starring Tom Hanks) when I was a teenager. Let me set the record straight. She was equally inexperienced as I and for the most part, it was a mediocre experience. So, it has not influenced my judging at all. There you have it ladies, the top spot. It just goes to show – when you work hard at something, all of your dreams can come true.

Honorable Mentions –