What The Fuck Is Wrong With Me?

Last night, after coming home from a night of ridiculous alcohol consumption, I penned myself a short letter of sorts. Below is that letter and my response.

In the dark shell of an apartment, bare feet resting on a cold, concrete floor, sat in an uncomfortable chair and leaning over a dining room table – that is where and how I do the majority of my creative work.  The living room wall I face has been turned into a giant chalkboard. Written on it are all of my ideas, some penises and a message from a former fuck buddy too sweet to remove. The environment is about as uninspiring as you can imagine and still, I create.

I don’t even know what I am writing right now. And, I am so blasted-out-of-my-mind drunk and doing this so late, that my sober counterpart will almost certainly glance over this in the morning and then close MS Word. “Would you like to save?” “No.” But Sober Me, before you do this, listen to what I have to say – You are a pretty fucking awesome dude. Though you may be a drug user, possible alcoholic and definite sex addict, you still find the time to do some good in this world and I think that is pretty fucking awesome. You need to take better care of yourself though. I feel like an unborn child drunk in the womb from your reckless lifestyle (ewww, I just pictured me as a baby and you as my mother and I am suckling on your nipple for breast milk). On that note Sober Me, I will be tossing us into bed. I can’t wait for you to read this in the morning. Goodnight.


PS Don’t forget to jerk off when you get up, I am too drunk to do it right now. Thanks buddy.  


Dear Drunk Me,

Thank you for your touching letter. I thought, at first, you actually wrote something interesting but then you spiraled into a cavalcade of advice and criticism. I would like to touch on a few things. First, I am a casual drug user. It’s not like I snort lines of meth off of a grimy warehouse floor. I don’t think it’s a problem, yet. Second, I may be operating on the margins of alcoholism, but I am not an alcoholic. The first step to denying a problem is admitting to yourself that you don’t have one. And finally, I am not a sex addict. When I was younger and realized that my cock was not going to give me any peace, I decided to not give it any rest in return – It only seemed fair and I’m sure you will agree.


PS You don’t have to tell me when too jerk off; I have several Google Calendar reminders to do that for me.